Alright! Rusty broke into the family computer! Way to go, Rusty! Arf! Arf! Arf!!

Man, I feel for you. I know what you're going through. I'll bet some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Okay, cut the crap. Do you even have friends or a job?

Yes, that's right - protons have many properties that Science is only now beginning to discover. For all I know, protons probably also have trouble with acne, migraines and morningbreath. In fact just the other day someone told me that protons have mass. Heck, I didn't even know they were catholic!

Aw, that's so cute - wedding anniversary, right? Okay, I'll have a crack at it:

Dear Dearest,
You are so wonderful! I am stupefied by your stupendous wonderfulness and your wonderful stupendousness. You are so wonderful and so stupendous that I can't describe it. You stupend me.

Thank you for being you.

Er, is there some sort of club that I don't know about?

When I was a kid, my best friend's dad from across the street would always make a big show of loosening his belt right after supper. At that young age I'd never seen anyone else do this, but the guy had something of a paunch, so I'd always assumed it was to let his belly distend while digesting.

Anyway I guess he must've noticed the quizzical look on my face, cuz one day after supper at their place he pulled me away from the others, and put an arm around my shoulder, and said to me with a big satisfied grin on his face: "You know son, I really like that full, manly feeling you get in your testicles right after a good meal." I can still see him sitting there, in his big white sleeveless undershirt with his arm around my shoulder, the black stubble on his chin and his eyes glinting at me under the overhead light, waiting for a response, with the kitchen clock ticking away in the background.

I kind of avoided their house after that.

Wow man, you must really be into testicles! But somehow I don't think the world is quite ready for this yet - try again in 20 years. Dickhead.

Aw, it just warms the heart, doesn't it? The thought of kindred cannibals getting together to trade recipes and flossing tips and a catalogue of other hideously weird items while moaning about the trials and tribulations of being flesh-eating outcasts in a world which just doesn't understand. Ô the humanity.

Has the human potential movement gotten wind of this yet? I think I see an untapped audience in the self-help market. Uh-huh.

"Well of course you're lonely, Darryl - you've eaten everyone you know!" [laughter all around]

Okay everybody, group hug!

At first I thought this might be the same guy from awhile back who was hunting for STUPENDOUS BREASTICLES (another request made with all uppercase letters, also for "BIG" body parts), but no: this one comes from a biological firm (!) in Plano, Texas.

Like, excuse me for asking, but, uh... a picture of elephant testicles? Is this what you people who work in bio labs like to look at for kicks? Or use as office decorations? Or just what the hell exactly kind of research is it that you people are doing over there?

Well, I hate to break it to you Lance, but Miss Google has asked me to inform you that she is no longer interested in corresponding with you or associating with you, beyond providing the most basic functions required of a search-engine. Your interactive text-to-chat privileges have been revoked, and henceforth any text entered by you into Miss Google's searchbox will be interpreted purely as a search query and will be processed as such.

No further personal communications will ensue, and full records will be maintained of all your attempts at communicating with Miss Google, whether legitimate or no. Be advised that we will not hesitate to initiate appropriate litigation should these annoyances continue, and will pursue all available means of legal redress to the full extent of the law. And don't even think of clicking her "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

PS: Miss Google is aware you've also been cavorting with Miss Yahoo on the side.

Hey, can I help it if I get so many anatomically-related queries? Notice our careful researcher made a point of specifying human testicles - don't wanna muddy up the results by including all those pages that might mention elephant testicles (big, those), llama testicles (not quite as big, but probably still bigger than mine, or yours), gerbil testicles (much, much smaller) and bumblebee testicles (about the size of the period at the end of this sentence).

Anyway, this one's a perfect demonstration of the entertaining "teasers" you get when you follow up a search. Here's a sampling of the page descriptions given:

1. "reduce the size of her penis and testicles"
   [ahem, note the gender]
2. "sexual prowess in testicles or the penis"
   [uh, prowess is a characteristic of the organism as a whole, not of body parts. I don't care what you say - testicles do not have "prowess"]
3. "submerging the testicles in hot water for a prolonged period"
   [er, as a form of stress therapy? Quick! Sign me up!]
4. "... helps her husband in a fight by grabbing his enemy's testicles shall have her right hand cut off ... children of Israel to eat human excrement"
   [oh, excuse me - wrong room]
5. "... back to drawing testicles.* grins*"
   [geez, I can remember all those years in art class having to draw testicles from live models and none of us were grinning]
6. "... it sheds its skin before empty testicles. the old skin falls on the floor ... A small human only pretends to die ... "
   [man, you scare me]

Unless you're at a convention of "Ear, Nose and Throat" specialists, this usually is an ineffective pick-up line, and is probably altogether best avoided.

Other pick-up lines which succeed only at the aforesaid convention:

• "C'mon, show me your uvula."
• "Wow! I'm wearing black, and your nose-hairs are black! Coincidence? I don't think so."
• "Aw, you have the cutest little chancres!"
• "Pardon me? Oh, I was just wondering what it would be like to be a Gondola sailing up your ear-canal."
• "Hey, let's go back to my room and compare nostrils."
• "Did you know that if you inhale peanut-butter, it sticks to the roof of your lungs?"
• "Ear, nose, throat - babe, you've got it all!"
• "Would you like a candle? I make 'em out of earwax."
• "Tonsils or no, I want you to buy you a drink."

Duh, like how 'bout "DUH"?

In the meantime, you seem pretty literate yourself Shakespeare, but did you know that the word gullible isn't even in the dictionary? No really, it's true!! I'm not kidding - go look it up!

I promise you, I am not making these up. This one arrived from Finland... Dude, look down at your crotch... Is there a hand there? Do you see a hand? Someone is grabbing your testicles. Take a deep breath - it's gonna be a long ride.

Google gives almost 1000 results for this one. Now, I didn't have time to go through all those results, but I'll bet if you keep looking there's probably a special testicles message-board somewhere, and I'll bet they have a dedicated forum entitled "nausea" too!

Useful info for the ladies: hey girls, did you know that when a guy is experiencing intense pain in his testicles, it is impossible for him to stand - the knees simply buckle under. Makes you smile, don't it?

Several of the world's largest synthesizer manufacturers hail from Japan (Roland, Yamaha, Kawai), which is where this query came from. Maybe the word is actually pronounced like that over there? Either that or thith person has an intermittent lithp.

What could this possibly mean? Beats me, but according to Google, the answer can be found on more than 14,000 sites!

Like, dude, trust me, if you wanna call your penis goober, don't let anyone stop you, even if other guys are using the name too. No need to run a search for it or anything - it's not like they're exclusive - that's only for domain names.

And no, there probably isn't a site for registering your penis nickname.

Well, other than the fact that I use this word as a witty substitute for funnybone, I have no idea what it might refer to. Maybe the guy who wanted to nickname his penis goober was considering funbone as an alternate nickname. Oh wait - different countries. Never mind.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Ah yes, comedia pneumonia - that tragic illness where kids mysteriously die laughing. Quick, try searching for "chlamydia pneumonia" and get some real medical help before little Pierre physically explodes right there on the couch in a furious spray of sputtering bile. Think of the walls, the sofa, the luxury plush-lined carpet - my god, the cleaning bill!

Yes, but why would you want to?

Wait, don't tell me: yet another penis nickname.

Most creative collision of random words? Google found only 2 results for this one, and one of them was my page devoted to danger names for girls. I think the other one belongs to a legal firm.

I have no idea who Slippy the Slug is, but I'm convinced this would make a really cute 'n' cuddly plush doll for kids. Something like:

"Slippy the Slug - the world's one and only self-lubricating doll! Get Slippy today! It's the doll you clean up after!"

Batteries not included.

Glad you asked. Here are a few very simple rules I've developed from personal experience:

1. when in the presence of your current girlfriend, avoid mentioning your ex-girlfriend, especially if it involves clothes, physique, happiness or pleasures of any sort. The very subject is taboo, horsedung, verboten. Above all, never mention your ex by her first name, worse yet by any pet name - refer to her instead as "that pathetic, sub-human, soul-killing screed" or some other colourfully inaccurate periphrasis intended to appease. See the above note regarding testicles and pain.
2. if you bump into your ex-girlfriend, and she takes you out for a quick drink "just for old time's sake", and someone you know comes over to say hi, never introduce your ex as just an "ex-girlfriend". At that exact moment, in her mind she is your girlfriend (regardless of what you think), and she expects to be referred to as such. That is, unless you want to crawl to the men's room on your hands and knees - see the above note regarding testicles and pain.
3. if the person who happens to come over while you're out with your ex-girlfriend is your current girlfriend, make the sign of the cross (you will be needing divine intervention), then run like hell. If this is not possible, see the above note regarding testicles and pain.

Uh-oh! Trouble in the family!

Betcha there's a story behind this one. And Google gives you over 15,000 sites by which you can assess your family dynamics, you lucky dog! Go to it!

At first I thought this might be a sentence fragment extracted from one of those old forgotten TV or radio comedies from the 1950s - when they used to broadcast before actual, LIVE audiences:

"... and join us tonight as the Ford Motor Company brings you yet another episode in ... the hilarious high-jinks of Vulva the Hat-check Girl ... starring Bertha Edsel as 'Vulva'! ... "

It turns out the real explanation is almost as funny though: automobile lore theorizing that the main reason for the Edsel's failure was that its features too closely resembled (ahem) a human vulva.

"My Mother, the Car" indeed!

Whoa! Stop right there! I'm sure you mean well Gladys, so I'm gonna save you a bit of time and a lot of money in child-parent litigation down the line: if you wanna scar your child for life and subject her to an unending string of ridicule and snide snickering from illiterate boneheads by saddling her with this name, you'd better spell it correctly: it's Dorcas.

Having followed up on this search, I can vouch that there are a surprising number of self-satisfied dorks on various chatboards who don't know how to spell the name correctly, but are slapping themselves silly with brainless quips like "So like, I met this girl at camp called Dorkus and I couldn't stop laughing when she told me her name! Can you believe a name like that? Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

Sigh. That's eight times so far this summer - you just won't listen will you?

Go back and read what I told you last time.

Word? What word? Like, can you be a bit more nebulous please? Are we supposed to know what you're thinking? Are you thinking?

Ah yes, the famous "Bagpipe Boy" of Aberdeen - beloved orphan of ancient Scottish lore and merry song of olde, earning his pauper's pittance roving from town to town. Let's see, if I remember rightly, the song's refrain was something like:

'Streuth! It be a bonnie tune -
Though 'tis not my pipes you play.
But go on, boy! Don't stop now,
Keep playing anyway!

    - [chorus joins in] -
Yes go on, boy! Don't stop now,
Keep playing anyway!

Was that by Robbie Burns? Quite popular in the taverns, I hear. Those wacky Scotsmen.

Another one in the WTF category. Looks like you're outta luck, Ace: nobody knows what the hell you're talking about.

Look, is it something you wear? Is it a Chinese take-out thing? Pick one. Oh never mind - I think you just crashed Google.

This one is a good example of a search that promises an interesting story behind it, if only we knew what it was...

So let's just assume for a moment that the individual pursuing this topic is a tween. And let's assume for convenience that it's a girl. Well, we know this: she has set herself a task to fulfill, and she's specifically seeking help in order to overcome limitations in her vocabulary. I find this extremely cute - touching even - because it shows some degree of industry on her part, and sincerity, and indicates that she wants to do "a good job" of it.

So, the question immediately becomes: why does she need to describe her friend? Is she really, really mad at her friend, and can't think of the @!!#$% words to describe that annoying, self-centered little phucker? Or is she totally enamoured and glowing with warm fuzzies but just can't seem to get a handle on painting an evocative portrait of her friend's wonderful and wondrous, rare, precious qualities? Maybe she's writing a dedicatory poem? A birthday card? A creative-writing assignment from school? A diary entry?

And let's just take this a step further: is she under the impression that all she has to do is type in her friend's name, and up pops this handy little character-profile redux describing her friend, like there's some massive psychological database somewhere?

Whatever. You want words? Here you go Daisy: Google has almost 1,400,000 sites to help you out. Don't forget to come up for air every once in a while - the rest of the family is going to Fiji. Take any phone messages and feed the cat and lock the door if you leave. You'll find some leftovers in the fridge. Oh, and here's a $20 for emergencies. We'll see you after the summer holidays.

Sure, go ahead. I don't see why not ... Uh, what exactly do you mean, anyway?

[I don't know about you, but for some reason I can't imagine this ever happening by accident...]

Oh my gawd! I can't even begin to describe the horrific, stomach-churning discussions available on this sordid topic! Proceed at your own risk, keep a barf-bag handy. I kid you not.

In the meantime, if you're InSaNe enough to actually eat your own testicles (let alone anyone else's), remember that nothing, but absolutely nothing goes better with testicles than the smooth, refreshing taste of this perennial favourite:

Wow, there isn't enough room at left to reproduce the entire string. Here it is, exactly as it was typed in (all 672 characters!), as one run-on line with occasional missing word-boundaries:

do not know what it should mean,that I'm so full of woe.There is a tale from days gone bythat won't leave me alone.The air is cold and it grows dark,and softly flows the Rhine,the summit of the mountain sparklesin the evening sunshine.The fairest of maidenssits on high, wonderful sight.Her golden jewelry sparkles;she combs her golden hair.She combs it with a golden combas she sings her song --the melody's so powerful --such a wonderous song.The sailor in his boatis captured with desire.He doesn't notice the rocky shoalsand only looks up to the heights.I believe in the end the waves engulfthe sailor and his craft;all that -- with her own song --Lorelei has wrought.

Too bad you didn't avail yourself of the simple expedient of enclosing the poem in a set of double-quotes, cuz now Google has to deliver results for each individual word. Here ya go... hope you find what you're looking for.

What's that you say? From Cambridge, eh? Well okay, look on the bright side: the essay's only due tomorrow morning, and there are only 62,400 websites to wade through.

Hey, when you're finished, why don't you try The Rime of the Ancient Mariner next? Make sure to quote the entire poem too, you intrepid scholar, you.

Head of the class!

No no no, dammit! This is a medical emergency and here you are wasting precious time looking for help in search engines!

Instead go directly to http://www.911.com/ and follow these steps:

1. click on the special link for Poison Control,
2. click on the appropriate link to identify your country of origin,
3. carefully scan through their directory to find a Poison Center somewhere in your area,
4. go to that website,
5. fill out their online emergency form, or if it's after 5pm send them an email,
6. an ambulance will come to your door.

And for God's sake be quick about it! Every second counts!

Came from France, this one did. Okay Jacques, unless this is the name of some local exotic dancer or a Parisian porn Queen, you people have way too much free time over there.

Tabarnaque Jacques! Is this the best you guys can come up with?

People, usually from Germany, looking for something called a "funneller", whatever the hell that is. But it sounds like it might involve plutonium, or marsonium, or some other planetary substance (see, I know all about that science stuff, or whatever you call it). Anyway this happens way too often for me to feel comfortable about it. Do the people over there even know the second world-war is over? Finished. Done with. Kaput.

Okay, either this is a girl's name, or it's something that comes in a jar, with a label that says something like:

... and inside there's some little vitamin supplements, or some little dry flakes that look like fish food, or maybe like some sort of spread that you can put on toast, like margarine, but made with brains. How about it Science?

Yeah that must be it: some amateur brain-scientist who also happens to be a genius inventor / entrepreneur / chef is already developing the idea in his garage and was probably doing a trademark search. Way to go, Einstein!

Note the uppercase letters. Not only did this Brit feel the need to CAPITALIZE his search string, but I'm guessing he used the CAPS LOCK button, since presumably he had only one hand free with which to type. And hey, do you get the impression that there's always some white specks of spittle on this guy's bottom lip when he talks? Just a hunch. All the same, I'd watch those plosives if I were you pal.

Anyway, I don't think he found what he was looking for, cuz my page on neologisms was the only one listed, and there's definitely no pics of STUPENDOUS BREASTICLES there. Heck, not even any pics of AVERAGE BREASTICLES. I'll bet that's really frustrating, when you've got a sudden overpowering urge to see HUGE ROLLING MASSES of STUPENDOUS BREASTICLES tumbling right out of your computer monitor in a slow-motion cascade of flesh and fat.

Hmmm, vulva dentura - is that what happens when she gets really old and they all fall out and she has to have them replaced? "Hey, what's that in the glass? I mean beside the bathroom sink? Grandma I didn't know you wore dentures!"

Not the kind of thing you'd wanna see drop out the bottom of her skirt while she's dancing.

Anyway there must be a dearth of reliable information on this fascinating "other" dental replacement, since Google was only able to dredge up my entry on danger names for girls. C'mon Science, we need data!

Of course, you get better results if you type in the correct term: it's dentata.

"Ya know babe, I have this deep-rooted unconscious male phobia / fantasy, and... Ouch! Jeezus! Careful with that overbite!"

I find this one extremely cute - if you imagine it might've been a young kid looking it up, that is. That's because when younger I was a big fan of superhero comics, and there is an age where the slim possibility of larger-than-life superpowers still seems believable, hopeful and right. "Gosh! Is it really true? Can it be?"

Do they have internet access way up there in the Appalachian mountains?

Well I'll be! Golly, this must be my ol' buddy Billy-Bob still searching for his long-lost half-sister! Actually, she's really his half-sister / half-brother because, er... you see, ah, Elizabob, was um... born with um... er... ah... How do I say this? ah, certain... ah, anatomical ... pe-cu-li-a-ri-ties.

She's really also sort of his step-mom too, even though she's a bit younger than him, because their dad and her once went to a party and ... Well, it gets complicated. Never mind.

Obviously typed in by a blonde or maybe a Playboy bunny. Okay, okay, just kidding. But this one's also cute if you imagine it was a young kid looking it up. But if it was George Bush then that would just be sad.

Ah, someone out to solve one of English's long-standing mysteries, I see.

I'm guessing you mean phlegm.

What to avoid? I'll tell you what to avoid: Avoid drinking it. Avoid tasting it. Avoid smelling it. Don't touch it, don't poke it, don't rub it between your fingers or in your eyes. Don't even look at it!

And if anyone tries to sell you some - don't buy it!

Didja know there's actually a product called Goatine? It's a goat milk. I guess you make goat's milk soup out of it. Or maybe it's a special milk you use with that tasty, nutritious Goaties cereal first thing in the morning. Blech.

Hey wait a minute: is this by the same guy who came up with Brainadine?

What surprises me about this one is the sheer frequency with which people search for it, although curiosity is higher during the winter months, as you'd expect.

Google gives about 175 results for this one - if you follow them up, some websites have interesting and funny exchanges on this much misunderstood expression.

On a related note, the website I Used To Believe offers hilarious submissions on thousands of childhood misconceptions (and let's be honest - we've all had a few). Items are grouped into categories, and a search feature is available online. I never walk away from that site without a big, happy grin on my face. Really cute stuff. Well worth checking out.

Ugh. I get shudders just thinking about the guy who might've written this. I can picture some loner type, sitting there in front of his monitor, in semi-darkness, his flimsy curtains blanking out the unwanted afternoon sun. On his bedroom wall there's a massive poster of Travis Bickle and you can hear some poodle whimpering helplessly down in the basement somewhere... That familiar dull pressure returns to his temples again, while in his lap he begins fondling a framed 8x10 glossy of his favourite celebrity serial-killer and he glances down lovingly at it every now and again while typing in his search string with one finger:

Did you ever have a next-door neighbour like that? Creeps me out.

This one comes in once in a while. Are there online delicatessens catering to cannibals? Or is it someone cruising for a date or what?